It is 1:12 in the am and i find it hard to sleep.  So many things on my mind and so little time to put time into figuring out.  I have to force myself to use capital letters in the beginning of sentences.  Ive not been a respecter of grammer even in highschool when i was in the highest english class possible to be in.  The rules humans made in some cases like grammer, spelling and such non moral issues just seem petty after a while.  Life is changing so fast for me. A new chapter is starting and for once its on my own.  Freinds move away , some are far away, and some ive chosen to relieve myself of. It is startling how letting go of 2 people could have such a positive affect on my mind and soul. Im left with certain guilt issues because im not used to standing firm and not going back or giving in to their whims, issues, and negativity. Once that begins, my own negativity gets worse and worse. Sometimes i wonder in the lives of those who are depressed if it is actually their bodies and minds trying to scream at them…..YOU DONT BELONG HERE IN THIS STATE , ITS NOT FOR YOU….not actual state as in land mass of course. The depression i had felt for a long time as been mostly elieviated…depression happens to everyone …but that constant down feeling has left. Now in turn there is the unfinished business. The non confrontation left. Because sometimes the confrontation just allows the same relationship to pick back up in the same abusive state it was in before and no resolution happens. I recieved no true meaningfull life changing apology from the 2 …..So….why try and initiate a relationship again?  Forgiveness though is something i want to push. I want to say to them i forgive you….i want to….but one its hard to trully say that too without wanting to know why? But i have to do it…..praying for the anger to leave, for real forgiveness to happen….it can happen. I was working and someone came in that had hurt me in my past in a big way even though they werent close to me ….for a while in my life i was so hurt and angry…and when i saw the person i trully forgave them and was actually really happy to see them….and know they were doing well.  Its so hard though when one of your closest freinds betrays you in a terrible way over and over again….the damage it does to your esteem, brain, emotions and such….Forgiving her is something top on my list….Years and years and years….a decade of freindship over….Yet a decade of depression has ended. Forgiving but wanting answers from that smug arrogant face. I made it a point to never lie to this person no matter how hard it hurt to tell the truth sometimes, i believed in freindship and doing your best to be a real freind….i still believe in freindship. But the point is when you make a point to be honest to someone your whole life you know them and you say something they dont wanna hear and then all of a sudden they assume you are lying, its kinda insulting, not even kinda…it is.  Im finally starting to feel sleepy. Perhaps honesty is the best medicine for insomnia, resolution and such. Oh sweet resolution find me now.